Thank you

I had no idea people would actually read my little blog.  If I had known that people other than my family and closest friends would read it, I may have invested in the twenty dollar annual fee for the correct spelling of my domain name. I am cheap in some areas and chose the free route.  It was hard for me to share.  I waited a whole month to share because I am one who likes to process everything slowly and because I hated sharing the hard news around the holidays.  There was one other thing that I couldn’t have verbalized myself, but a dear friend shared with me today about experiencing pain and she nailed it.  She said, “hurt is such a weird emotion and it can feel like it caves in on you when everyone knows.”

 

The best thing about sharing with more people is that we have so many people praying for us now.  It is unbelievable.  It has also been encouraging to hear from more women who have gone through the very same thing.  David and I were overwhelmed at how many people have reached out to us, hurt along with us, and promised to pray for us.  We could not read all the comments people wrote to us because people’s kindness makes us weepy, but we are so thankful for people wanting to walk through this with us.  We are so thankful for the friends and family that God has placed in our life.

 

I went to the doctor today at my regular OB and Ellie Mae was doing just fine.  I am 25 weeks today. She still has a strong heart beat and is a mover and a shaker.  They checked on her with one of the small handheld ultrasounds to save us money since all of the regular ultrasounds are not covered by insurance.  The same thing will happen next week and then the following week I will have a regular ultrasound to measure growth.  I also have an appointment scheduled on the 17th of this month with the perinatal team at the hospital.  Just from speaking to them on the phone a few times, they seem like such a kind and helpful group.  We will meet with a NICU doctor, a child-life specialist, and a representative of the the perinatal team.  I think this will be a hard appointment because I don’t let myself think about delivering her often. There are too many unknowns. We will try to make a birth plan and they will talk to us about all the services that they offer.  David and I try to carve out time for just us to go to lunch or dinner and think through some of the hard things like planning a memorial service and talking to the girls about everything, but this is one topic that we have left alone.    We are praying about going to see the maternal fetal specialists at Duke where a friend of mine works if we make it to the third trimester.  Some doctors have warned us to not take heroic measures to prolong her life if she is born alive and to just enjoy anytime we get with her.  Other doctors say that babies surprise them all the time and to not give up hope.  We are thinking that if we had really detailed pictures of her brain and heart that we would be able to make decisions like that with more confidence and wisdom.

 

David does not participate in any form of social media.  He thinks that all people do is post “subtle brags.”  He is so crazy.    He also does not read any emails that I have written about Eleanor and hasn’t been able to read my first blog post because it makes him cry too much. Bless him.  He says he is strong enough to live it, but don’t make him read about it.  Since he is not reading my blog, I would like to not-so-subtly brag about him.  My sweet husband has taken such good care of me this past month.  From cooking my favorite dinners to making me bubble baths, he has gone above and beyond to spoil me. He has attended all the doctors appointments and taken days off work so I could lay in bed and cry while he took care of the kiddos.  If I want to go somewhere on a whim to make a special memory while Eleanor is present, he makes it happen. For some reason he took it upon himself to clean out our pantry, kitchen cabinets, and closets over Christmas break and attacked them all with vengeance.  He has also made me laugh a lot over the past few weeks.  My nonexistent abdominal muscles were sore on New Years Day because he made my entire family laugh so hard on New Year’s Eve.  I have finally succumbed to laughing at some of his bathroom humor on this sixth year of marriage.  He has told the story of him getting food poisoning on my birthday trip to San Antonio at each Christmas party we attended and it kills me each time.  David loves to embellish a story a little more each time it is told just like I do.  He is a good man and a great husband.  He also wrote this poem for our third baby girl just days after our twenty week ultrasound.

 

A Bright Light

Today seems dark, but be encouraged that your future is not as scary as it might appear.

You will soon be passed to a father who will hold you tight, which can vanquish any fear.

Like the presence of the sun that pulls the water from the earth, so your presence draws out your fathers love, even before your birth.

The only uncertainty that remains is will this father be the one who loves you unconditionally, but is limited to being paternal?

Or will this father be the one who loves you perfectly with his whole being, that is eternal? 

Will you be carried into a home that has been rearranged for you in excited anticipation?

Or will you be ushered into a beautiful city that has been perfectly created for you in eternal expectation? 

Will you be laid in a crib that is safe and warm, where you will be looked upon by all who love you?

Or will you be seated in the presence of the very author of life who is making all things new? 

You are a bright light that is illuminating a  piece of God’s plan.

Your future is promised to be perfect, eternal, and complete; all the things that only God can.