Good Friday

It has now been over a year since Eleanor Mae was born and we said goodbye.  I remember not feeling much during the first few weeks after she was born. I felt more numb and in shock that my time being a mother to Ellie Mae was so extremely short. Less than a year of carrying her and a few hours with her at the hospital and it was all over. Then the grief came and it was heavy. I’ve met some of the most wonderful people over the past year as I have learned to carry my grief. I took two courses of grief share at my church and am so thankful for the leaders who spoke truth and wisdom over me. I am forever thankful for the people I met in those classes and for the honor of hearing their stories of losing a loved one.

Over the past year we have gotten to do some neat things to honor Ellie Mae’s life. My friend, Rebecca, invited us to raise money for cuddle cots for a hospital in our home town. I was able to donate my milk to a special little baby girl for a few weeks after Ellie Mae was born. We’ve been able to tell her story and connect with other loss moms. I hope we do more to honor her life in the future.

Here is a video we were able to share with our church during a night of prayer during her birth month:

 

During her birth month God did so many things to comfort us. Someone donated 1,000$ in her honor to our church campus anonymously.  We are donating some neat Bibles in her honor to the classrooms for 2-5 year olds. We heard a story from someone in my grief share class that gave me so much peace and made me realize how much God answered our prayer when we asked for her short life to bring God glory.  We planted flowers to celebrate her birthday and visited the cemetery with fresh flowers.  A family member donated to String of Pearls in Ellie Mae’s honor.  My friend, Sara, had cupcakes sent in from Georgetown cupcakes. My community group dropped off a ton of flowers for us to plant.  My mom and sister brought over an amazing lunch for us to share together after working hard outside. My sister got a tattoo in Ellie Mae’s honor.  Some of my friends had a painting commissioned in her honor of peonies and it is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid my eyes on. I finally decided what pictures I wanted up of Ellie Mae on our gallery wall and put those up.

This year has been hard but good. In a lot of ways I feel like I’ve gained such clarity on my faith. Being Ellie Mae’s mom changed me in a hundred ways for the better. I found out I have a lot more grit than I ever knew. I always considered myself to be weak and quick to give up when things get hard.  God taught me how to endure through hard things by relying solely on Him. I’ve never prayed more than I have over the past two years. I just needed God so much and all the time. It was a sweet year because I felt near to Him.  Because of my precious third daughter I weep anytime I sing worship songs or hymns that speak of his faithfulness and kindness.  I am much more intentional with Eliza and Lily and with how I want to spend my time.

 

Below is what our pastor shared at Eleanor’s funeral. I don’t think I was able to process it well at the funeral a year ago, but reading over the message on her birthday was a comfort and a huge gift. I hope it encourages you as we prepare for Easter weekend.

Eleanor Mae Geliske

March 30, 2018   –   March 31, 2018

 

Funeral Service  –  April 4, 2018

Welcome & Opening Remarks

Today we have gathered as family and friends to come around David, Marianne, and the girls to support them during this very difficult time and to grieve with them at this time of loss. However, we also have gathered to primarily celebrate the life of their precious Eleanor Mae: born March 30^th and ushered home from their arms into the arms of Jesus on March 31^st, 2018.

Each of you are here today because you mean a lot to David & Marianne and the girls…and you’re here today because they mean a lot to you. However, we do not grieve as the world grieves without hope. Here God’s Word from 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18.

¹³ And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. ¹⁴ For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died. ¹⁵ We tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not meet him ahead of those who have died. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet call of God. First, the believers who have died will rise from their graves. ¹⁷ Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ So encourage each other with these words.

Not only do we not grieve as the world does without hope, but we also do not grieve with our eyes looking to the loved one no longer with us. Our eyes look to the One who is the source of our hope, the One to whom our help comes from. Our eyes are upon the author and perfecter of our faith: the Lord Jesus Christ. He is the one who promised in John 14:16 to ask the Father to send us the Comforter—His Holy Spirit. So let us invite His Spirit to guide us now and administer mercy and grace.

Message of Hope

Last Friday, March 30^th, was Good Friday—a most sacred day of the year for Christians as we remember the death of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We celebrate it as we remember that His death has made atonement for our sins once and for all. It lifted the curse of sin from our backs and laid it firmly on Jesus’ back while simultaneously lifting the earned righteousness of Jesus from Him to lay it firmly on us to justify us. And He did this “for the joy set before Him” (Hebrews 12:2). What a GIFT from God…

Last Friday, March 30^th, was a good Friday. There had been a lot of questions about whether Ellie Mae would even make it to delivery with her unique set of health challenges. A big prayer request of Marianne and David’s was that she would survive birth and that they would be able to have time to hold her and be with her. After 38 weeks in the womb, almost 40 hours of labor, and a countless amount of prayers, Eleanor Mae was born at 11:52pm to David & Marianne (little sister to Eliza Pearl and Lily). What a GIFT from God…

It is ironic that we call the Friday before Easter “good” Friday, as the day itself is historically a day of betrayal. A day of denial. A day of confusion. A day of mockery. A day of beating. A day of a crown of thorns. A day of stripping. A day of flogging. A day of dragging a cross. A day of nails. A day surrounded by thieves. A day of struggling to breathe. A day of goodbyes. A day of questions. A day of darkness. A day of finishing. A day of death. A day to be laid in the tomb and left.

The events of that day were indeed a gift from God, but a gift accompanied by grief. Grief over our sin that required judgment. Grief over the utter rejection and condemnation that was placed on the innocent and holy Son of God. Grief over the separation from His Father He endured so that we might be united with the Father by grace through faith.

We must remember that the actual day of Good Friday was filled completely with grief: from the Father in heaven turning His back on His only Son, to Mary and John at the foot of the cross, to Peter and the other disciples still in hiding in Jerusalem, to Jesus crying out “my God, my God, why have you forsaken me—even for the Roman soldiers crucifying him who left terrified saying “surely this was the Son of God.” It was a day of sacred grief.

It resonates with each of us here today standing by a grave. Last Friday was a day of grief for all of us, but especially to Marianne and David. It was a day long anticipated. A day of realized fears. A day of lost hopes. A day of unfulfilled dreams. A day of unanswered questions. A day of darkness. A day of goodbyes. A day of death.  The events of last Friday were indeed a gift from God, but a gift accompanied by grief.

As I have had opportunities to talk to David & Marianne over the past few months, they have walked in grief knowing the probable reality of their daughter’s life expectancy. They have been courageous enough to invite all who know them into their journey of faith—their journey of grief—their journey of pain—their journey of hope, as they have shared openly in person, in blogs, in their community group, and in family conversations. They have embraced the ambiguity that began on the first Good Friday—grief and suffering are the pathway to glory. Jesus is a Man of sorrows and suffering and as we are united with Him in His sufferings we will also be united with Him in His glory to be revealed (Romans 8:17).

David & Marianne, you have been raw, transparent, honest, courageous, strong, steadfast, and weak in need of grace. You and Ellie Mae have shown us just how precious life is and just how powerless this world is to give us true hope. On behalf of all the rest of us gathered here today and those who love you and are supporting you this morning from a distance, THANK YOU for testifying to the greatness and goodness of our God. Thank you for walking with your eyes fixed on Him and trusting His goodness in this situation even when many would question it. Thank you for sitting in this sacred grief that God has called you to and for allowing us to sit beside you and seeing the God up close who is holding you and sustaining you. You have honored your King well and all of us here today see the glory of the King in greater ways because you have. THANK YOU!

Marianne & David, I cannot imagine what it must have felt like to wake up this past Easter Sunday morning at home—the first morning after Ellie Mae’s passing. Experiencing the sun rising outside as if it was totally unaware of the darkness that you still feel inside. Lying in bed together as you woke with no bassinet beside you. All the weariness and fatigue of a long labor, but no baby to hold. All the photographs taken that would be taken. All the life that could have been lived knowing that it was cut tragically too short. And you are left with confusion, questions, grief, and searching for strength to move forward. You may have felt like how can a new day begin without Ellie Mae in it.

In my imagination, I think the eleven disciples woke Easter Sunday with the same question: how can a new day begin without Jesus in it. Experiencing the sun rising outside as if it was totally unaware of the darkness that they still felt inside. For 3 ½ years they had left jobs, family, reputation, security behind to follow the One who claimed to be the Christ. Now He was gone. Now He was dead. Now what were they going to do. All the life that could have been lived knowing that it was cut tragically too short. And they were left with confusion, questions, grief, shame, and searching for strength to move forward, but…but…

But on the first day of the week, at early dawn, they went to the tomb, taking the spices they had prepared. ² And they found the stone rolled away from the tomb, ³ but when they went in they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. ⁴ While they were perplexed about this, behold, two men stood by them in dazzling apparel. ⁵ And as they were frightened and bowed their faces to the ground, the men said to them, “Why do you seek the living among the dead? ⁶ He is not here, but has risen. Remember how he told you, while he was still in Galilee, ⁷ that the Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men and be crucified and on the third day rise.” ⁸ And they remembered his words, ⁹ and returning from the tomb they told all these things to the eleven and to all the rest.  – Luke 24:1-9

This was no ordinary Sunday…this was Easter Sunday! The sun was not bright enough for the glory that this day contained and the hope that it offered to all those who believe. The Apostle Paul writes,

²⁰ But in fact Christ has been raised from the dead, the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep. ²¹ For as by a man came death, by a man has come also the resurrection of the dead. ²² For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ shall all be made alive. ²³ But each in his own order: Christ the first fruits, then at his coming those who belong to Christ…“Death is swallowed up in victory.” ⁵⁵ “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” ⁵⁶ The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. ⁵⁷ But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. – 1 Corinthians 15:20-23, 54-57

So we celebrated Easter last Sunday like we do every year as followers of Jesus. In fact, each Sunday is like a mini-Easter that we gather to celebrate the hope of the resurrection that empowers us to live as new creatures in Christ. We celebrate that to live is Christ and to die is gain!

David & Marianne, girls, family and friends…with the exact same hope we have that Jesus Christ rose from the dead to conquer sin and death, we have the hope that Ellie Mae is with Jesus right now—fully whole and home! With the exact same hope, we can know that we will be reunited with her in the new heavens and the new earth to worship with her our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ forever!

For anyone here today that does not know Jesus personally and has not surrendered their life to follow Him, today is the day of salvation. Nothing would thrill David & Marianne more than to know that today you found hope in Jesus. Follow Him with your life and you will find true life.

Marianne & David, a final word of encouragement to you. Jesus said,

“Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matthew 19:14). You two did a beautiful job bringing Ellie Mae to the arms of Jesus!

First off, what the world would say was an inconvenient, unworthy pregnancy not compatible with life, you saw through the eyes of Jesus as the gift of life, a blessing, a daughter made in the image of God to whom the “kingdom of heaven belongs.”

Marianne, what a beautiful job of carrying and caring for your daughter from the moment you knew you were pregnant unto the moment she breathed her last. You showed her the love and the nurture of her Father in heaven and cherished her as a loving, devoted mother. Well done!

David, not only have you led your family well in walking this difficult road, but you fathered your daughter well too. Fathers of daughters know that a very important day usually comes for them to walk their daughter down the aisle on their wedding day. It’s not an easy day for fathers, but it is a very important day. You did not miss that opportunity with Ellie Mae. You faithfully walked her down the aisle last weekend and handed her off to her Bridegroom Jesus to whom she belongs. Well done!

Committal

In that it has pleased our heavenly Father, who gave Ellie Mae to us for this short time, to take her back to Himself, we commit her body to the ground. Looking for that blessed hope, when the Lord Himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God, and the dead in Christ shall rise first. Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

Benediction

“The Lord bless you
and keep you;
²⁵ the Lord make his face shine on you
and be gracious to you;
²⁶ the Lord turn his face toward you
and give you peace.” Amen

 

Meeting Ellie Mae

The day before I was to be induced, we had a day outside where we planted tons of flowers with family over at our house.  It was so fun and therapeutic.  I love that we have that visual reminder in our yard of something special we did while Ellie Mae was with us and I hope that many of those plants and flowers will bring us joy for years to come. Thanks to all the family who pitched in and got their hands dirty! Thank you to everyone who gave us new flowers and beautiful plants.

 

On Thursday morning, March 29th, we woke up early and headed to the hospital.  It was hard to say goodbye to Eliza Pearl and Lily.  We showed up 30 minutes late to the labor and delivery floor and there were friends already waiting for us.  Our community group leaders are punctual people.  I looked at David and said, “I told those crazies that they could come by mid-morning and stay through lunch!”  There was no getting David and Charity to leave.  They had taken off work and found childcare for their four kiddos so they could camp out at the hospital and wait on Ellie Mae all day and night.  They waited around while we got the paperwork filled out, got set up in the most amazing L&D room, and I got started on pitocin.  Once I was set up, many visitors started to arrive.  We had lots of friends from church, a few of our pastors, friends, and family drop in and out throughout the day.  A dear friend brought lunch in for all my friends and family who were hanging out in the waiting room.  David said he felt like a bouncer during our hospital stay because he would call 2-3 people back at a a time to hang out.  When I would get too tired to chat, we would rest and close our eyes for an hour or so.  People came in and prayed over us, chatted about life, made us laugh, made us cry, and just comforted us.  I didn’t think I would have wanted a lot of visitors, but I’m so glad people came by.  It was an extremely long labor (40 hours) and David and I would have lost our minds if people hadn’t hung out with us.  We struggle with too much togetherness in close quarters.

 

Some of the hard parts were checking in and getting settled in our room.  The people that make you sign your life away did not know that this was a special delivery so they were full of congratulations and best wishes as we filled out paperwork.  Then when we were taken to our room I was flooded with emotions as I recalled my previous “happy” deliveries with Eliza and Lily and felt overwhelmed that I wouldn’t be taking a baby home this time.  It was hard to hear other women laboring and then the cries of new babies around us.  Labor lasted forever just as I feared.  I probably got started on pitocin by 9:30 am on Thursday and had my water broken by lunch.  I was still only dilated 2cm Thursday night.  We couldn’t talk our friends who were waiting on baby girl into going home.  I had to let go of my anxiety of people waiting on Ellie Mae to come and being bored or uncomfortable at the hospital.  Our community group leaders and my mother-in-law slept in those awful upright chairs in the waiting room the first night.

 

The good parts were that our room was huge and could hold a ton of people.  We didn’t feel claustrophobic even when we had ten people or more in the room at once.  My epidural worked perfectly.  I gave in and got it after just a few hours of being on pitocin.  I had no pain at all and was still able to move a lot. The doctors called this the “perfect scenario” for an epidural.  All of my nurses were angels.  I had five total and I cried when each one left and a new nurse came on for their shift.  Maggie, Joan, Christie, Harper, and Jessie – thank you for making our delivery oh so special and making me feel so cared for.  Our community really rallied around us and loved on us.   David and I actually got decent sleep Thursday evening which was a huge blessing, as we would not sleep any Friday night.  Dr. Dubose was amazing and even though Ellie Mae was not ready to make an appearance when her 24 hour shift was over, she came back to the hospital when I was ready to deliver.  I can never thank her enough for doing that. So many selfless and compassionate people were sent our way during the delivery; people we will always remember when we think of our special day with Ellie Mae and praise God for.

 

The special parts were when people would pray over us, when we would read to Ellie Mae, when Eliza and Lily came to visit and cuddled me so well.  One time when my friend, Sarah Hamilton, was praying with her hand resting on my belly, Ellie Mae kicked her super hard. We both jumped because it was such a hard kick.  I was thankful for all the times she let me know she was still doing well during the labor.  When labor continued without much progression for so long, I kept hearing the words of the neonatal doctor from one of our previous meetings in my head.  “Small babies don’t usually survive the stress of labor. Even if you make it full term, she could pass away suddenly during labor – we don’t suggest fetal monitoring.”  We only checked her heart rate twice during the first 12 hours of labor.  The longer labor continued, I became too nervous to let the nurses check.  I was scared her heart rate would be super low or they wouldn’t be able to find it.  I felt very reassured with every kick and movement from her.

 

On Thursday evening, a photographer from the organization called, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, came by to meet us and take some photos of David and I while we waited on Ellie Mae.  She had driven down from Asheville just to try to photograph our birth.  I felt terrible that labor was lasting forever and she had driven all the way to Greenville when there wasn’t going to be a baby that night.  She couldn’t come back on Friday and I was so sad to not have anyone there for pictures.  She said that she would call around to see if anyone else was available.  Before she left the hospital that night, she told me that someone named, Helen Joy, could possibly come on Friday evening.  I almost died.  A friend of mine had begged me to contact Helen Joy a couple of weeks before our induction date and I wouldn’t do it.  She didn’t live in town and I hated to have someone on call for such a long period of time to come and photograph our birth.  I was amazed that God worked that out for us and provided the perfect photographer when I was too scared to ask for her help.  Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is an amazing organization.  Photographers volunteer their time for free to come and photograph babies who will either be stillborn or are not expected to live long after birth. There are currently no photographers who live in Greenville, so GHS has to call photographers in the Asheville area to see if they can come.  For every 20 births like ours in Greenville, only one family gets these photos done.

 

By Friday evening, I had only progressed to 5cm.  I was so tired. I felt yucky and was tired of being in the bed and in the same hospital gown.  I was starving. I had a headache.  I was in disbelief that I was still in labor and felt very discouraged.  Enter my 7pm nurse, Jessie. She was all sunshine and joy.  I adored her instantly and wanted her to be my best friend forevermore.  We actually had a mutual friend and she had “fought” two other nurses to win me as her patient for the evening. (There happened to be three nurses on that evening shift who somehow had a connection to me). I’m so glad Jessie won the fight.  She goes to church with a dear friend of mine and her little girl goes to the same MMO program that my girls go to.  We had never met before but had so much in common.  She just bounced into the room and said, “I bet you want a new gown. Would you like me to bathe you? What do you need? Would a massage make you feel better?” Where had Jessie been all my life?!?!?! She was a true angel.  Shortly after Jessie started taking care of me and making me feel like everything was going to be just fine, Helen Joy walks in with her camera and a rolling suitcase.  She was ready to stay however long things took and acted like there was no other place in the world she would rather be.  She was such a beautiful soul.  I just don’t know many people who would leave their families, drive an hour away, and stay up all night to photograph a birth that would more than likely end in death.  We felt like these two people were the reason we had been in labor for forty hours, we were simply waiting on them to show up and make everything perfect.

After Jessie had pampered me and made me feel clean, rested, and relaxed and Helen Joy had snapped a few photos of David and I, we asked all our friends and family to come in and say goodnight.  Our pastor and his wife stopped by and prayed with us one more time.  Everyone was so sweet.  I didn’t tell anyone, but as we were saying goodnight I started to feel lots of pain and pressure.  I didn’t know if the epidural was not working anymore or if things were starting to pick up in the labor, but it was really hard not to show that I was in pain.  I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, not even David, so I just carried on as everything was normal. As soon as everyone had left, David and Helen Joy decided I should try to use this thing that nurses call “Mr. Peanut.”  It is  like an exercise ball but smaller and shaped like a peanut that you rest between your legs as you lay on your side.  I decided it was worth a shot.  Within ten minutes I could not breathe through the pain and I knew it was time.  I asked Jessie to check me and she said I was complete.  She called Dr. Dubose back to the hospital at 11:15pm or so.  She got there super quick and the nurses had the room set up for delivery.  Dr. Dubose wanted a few extra hands in there because I was at high risk for hemorrhaging.  I had done that after delivering Lily and anytime you labor over 24 hours your uterus gets worn out and can cause you to bleed heavily after delivery.  My team was on top of everything- they had blood ready to give me if needed, they started a second iv, they had certain medicines ready.  They kept telling me that since they were completely prepared and had everything they needed to help me, that absolutely nothing would happen.  I am so glad they were right – there was not a single complication after Eleanor was born.  There was a lot of talk beforehand about what to do and when and I became very frightened about the medical aspect of everything and was taken out of the moment of meeting my baby girl.  Sweet Helen Joy reminded me that I was about to meet Ellie Mae and offered to play some music.  She put on some soothing worship music just as it was time to push and brought everyone back to the bigger moment that was about to happen.  I only had to push two times and Ellie Mae was born at 11:52pm on Good Friday.  There were a few seconds where I couldn’t tell if she had already passed away or not.  She was very blue in color and I remember the umbilical cord being wrapped around her neck.  I asked Dr. Dubose about the cord and said, “she’s okay, she’s just fine, here she is.”  They cleaned her off a little bit and we could hear her start to cry.  It was a small cry and it sounded like she was struggling to breathe at first.  They put her on my chest and put a blanket over her.  I could not believe we were getting to have skin-to-skin time.  It took her a couple of minutes but she settled down and became such a nice pink color.  I never stopped talking to her.  I told her that she was our sweet baby, that she was okay, that we loved her, that she was precious, and that her mommy and daddy were so happy to meet her.  She continued to calm down and she felt so good on my chest.  David and I told her all about her family, about her big sisters, about how so many people had been praying for her.  The neonatal doctor did take her off my chest for two minutes or so to assess her since she was born alive.  He brought her back over to me and told me that she was exactly where she needed to be as he laid her back on my chest.  At some point he came back over and gave her medicine to make sure she wasn’t in any pain. We asked Jessie and Helen Joy to sing the doxology over her.  I never cried during this time.  I was just so happy to see her and meet her this way.  David cried a lot. I think it hurt him to see her so weak and frail.   After about an hour, I started to feel really sick.  David held her while Jessie got me crackers and ginger ale.  While he was holding her she stopped doing as well and we thought she was going to pass away.  He handed her back to me and I said, “Ellie Mae, it’s not time to go yet.  We need you to meet your grandmas and Aunt Amy.  We need you to stay just a bit longer.” Our sweet baby perked right back up and started breathing well again.  There were a couple of times that she opened her eyes and looked right at David when he was talking to her.  I only got to see her open her eyes once.  We knew we didn’t have much time so the nurses helped me get dressed and we invited everyone who had been in the waiting room back to meet her.  Everyone was surprised at how big she was.  We got Jessie to weigh her because no one believed that she was only 3lbs like she was predicted to be from my last ultrasound.  Helen Joy asked me how much I thought she weighed right before she was placed on the scale and I said, “maybe 4.2 or 4.3lbs.” Sweet baby was exactly 4 pounds and 3 oz.  Everyone passed her around and talked to her for a few moments.  She was told that she was beautiful and perfect many, many times.  Everyone told her that she was a fighter and so loved.  We told her we were proud of her.  She opened her eyes a couple of times for family, I know for sure my mom. I wanted everyone to hold her, but I wanted them to hold her for only two seconds and then give her right back to me.  Once she met everyone, we asked for time alone with her again.

 

 

David and I got to do all the things we hoped for.  We read to her from Thoughts to Make Your Heart Sing.  I sang her songs and rocked her for a bit.  We cuddled her and told her how she had changed us and taught us to love Jesus more.  We told her she was such a gift and we would do anything for her.  We told her we loved her a hundred times.  Finally, she seemed perfectly content to be sleeping and resting so I laid down in the bed with her to cuddle.  I couldn’t tell when she took her last breath, she was so peaceful as she went home to heaven.  I told David she was gone at 5:30am and we called Jessie back in.  She helped me dress Ellie Mae in a special gown and we swaddled her up.  Helen Joy came back in to take photos.  David went out of the room to get coffee for Helen Joy and saw one of our pastors, Chris McGowan, sitting out in the waiting room.  He said he had woken up at 4:30am and couldn’t go back to sleep so he decided to come and pray at the hospital for us.  He came in and saw Ellie Mae and told us our daughter was beautiful.  We called my sister and mom and asked them to get the girls to the hospital as soon as possible so they could be in some pictures with their sister.

 

I was really nervous about the girls meeting Ellie Mae after she had already passed away.  I didn’t know if they would be frightened or if it would be confusing for them.  This was one of the hardest things for me to let go of when we heard about Ellie Mae’s diagnosis at first.  My dream of giving them a baby sister had been so big, it was really hard to let go of that one.  I had envisioned them coming to meet their new baby so many times before we knew that Ellie Mae had a chromosome deletion.  I have never been more proud of my sweet girls.  Eliza Pearl and Lily came right over to my hospital bed and climbed on to get a good look at their sister.  They ooood and ahhhhed over her and exclaimed what a cute baby she was.  They loved her so much.  Lily kept giving her a special stuffed bunny and trying to hold her hand.  Eliza Pearl wanted to share her white blanket (her most prized possession).  Eliza Pearl must have asked 20 times why we couldn’t take her home.  I just told her over and over that she was too sick so she had to go to heaven where Jesus could heal her.  After they left, we asked for no more visitors.  We were just exhausted and emotionally drained.  We tried to rest while got prepared to be discharged.  At about 1:30 that afternoon we left the hospital without our baby girl. It was so hard and just as terrible as you might imagine.

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She was such a precious baby.  I cannot get over how brief those five hours were.  I never want to take them for granted. We were given so much more than we ever imagined, but I would do anything to go back or to have more time with her.  David and I both regret not looking at her sweet little body more.  We are so thankful for the many photos that Helen Joy took.  God answered many prayers for us and provided for us in countless ways – Dr. Dubose being there, no hemorrhaging, time with her while she was alive still, nurses like Jessie, Helen Joy showing up, family and friends getting to meet her.  We are so thankful for family and friends who dropped everything to be there and for making sure our girls were well taken care of at home.

 

I will try to share about her funeral soon.  Thank you for your many prayers and for all the encouragement.  We have never felt so loved in all our life.

 

 

 

 

 

Almost time

We are getting so close to the big day.  I think we are all still feeling pretty good and are just trying to stay busy.  My mind has made a hundred little to-do lists that include everything from making sure the girl’s Easter baskets and Easter dresses are ready and that our fridge is well-stocked for while we are at the hospital.  I’ve made appointments to get my hair cut and found one of those pretty robes that everybody wears after having a baby these days.    I know that pictures from this day will be invaluable after Eleanor is gone and I do not want to look at the pictures and see my roots. My vanity cannot be tamed on this side of heaven I am now convinced.  My mom and sister took me out to lunch today and to get a pedicure.  David and I worked in the yard this afternoon and dreamed up some plans for our front patio area.  I have been busy getting things ready for my maternity sub at school while I am out.  It is nice to have lots to do to keep my mind off all the things I cannot control.  I love that things still feel so normal from day-to-day.

I am super nervous for Thursday.  I can’t control how long labor will last or if we will meet Ellie Mae while she is still alive.  I am comforted by how many people have told me that the presence of God will surround us. We have had so many people offer to help us on that day and to pray for us.

My doctor appointment was great last Wednesday.  I had one last ultrasound and the sonographer was an angel.  After she got done measuring Ellie Mae (she is predicted to weigh 3.9lbs and had a steady heartbeat), she scanned her with the 3d wand.  She got the cutest pictures of her face.  She looked precious.  Dr. Dubose was also great and I feel like we have a good plan in place.  Having her do the delivery brings normalcy to this very different pregnancy/delivery.  We know what to expect with having Dr. Dubose there and in charge.  She is my favorite and I cannot believe she is doing this for us.

David’s parents are getting in town tonight.  I think we will just plan on spending a lot of time with them next week.  We are going to go to church tomorrow morning and community group on Monday night.  My last day of work is Tuesday.  I think the girls and I are going to plant some pretty flowers on Wednesday morning.  When I bought new plants and flowers today at lowes one of the women helping me checkout told me not to plant until Wednesday since we are expected to have one last frost on Tuesday night.  I thought that would be the perfect way to spend the last day before being induced.  When I got home later I looked up a prayer in a book titled Every Moment Holy by Douglas Kaine McKelvey.  This prayer is titled “A Liturgy for the Planting of Flowers.” Everyone should own this book.

Leader: In a world shadowed by cruelty, violence and loss, is there a good reason for the planting of flowers?

People: Ah, yes!

For these bursts of color

and beautiful blooms

are bright dabs of grace,

witnesses to a promise,

reminders of a spreading beauty

more eternal, and therefore stronger,

than any evil, than any grief,

than any injustice or violence.

What is the source of their beauty?

From whence does it spring?

The forms of these flowers

are the intentional designs

of a Creator who has not abandoned

his broken and rebellious creation,

but has instead wholly given himself

to the work of redeeming it.

He has scattered the evidences

of creation’s former glories

across the entire scape of heaven and earth,

and these evidences are also foretastes of the

coming redemption of all things, that those

who live in this hard time between glories

might see and remember,

might see and take heart,

might see and take delight

in the extravagant beauty of bud and bloom,

knowing that these living witnesses are

rumors and reminders of a joy that will

soon swallow all sorrow.

In the planting of these flowers, do we join

the creator in his work of heralding

this impending joy?

Yes.

In this and in all labors

of beauty and harmony,

praise and conciliation,

we become God’s co-workers

and faithful citizens in his kingdom,

by acts both small and great, bearing witness

to the perfect beauty that was,

to the ragged splendor that is,

and to the hope of the greater glory

that is to come,

which is the immeasurable glory

of God revealed to us,

in the redeemed nature of all things.

What then is the eternal weight of these flowers?

Though our eyes yet strain to see it so,

these tiny seeds, bulbs, or velvet buds

we have planted

are more substantial than all the collected

evils of this groaning world.

Their color and beauty speak a truer word

than all greed and cruelty

and suffering and harm.

 

What is the truer word spoken by these flowers?

They are like a banner planted on a hilltop,

proclaiming God’s right ownership of these

lands long unjustly claimed by tyrants and usurpers.

They are a warrant and a witness,

each blossom shouting from the earth

that death is a lie,

that beauty and immortality

are what we are made for.

They are heralds of a restoration that will forever

mend all sorrow and comfort all grief.

 

The prayer continues, but that final part is my favorite.  This coming spring season and Easter weekend feels likes perfect timing.  It screams out the truth that while we will indeed go through suffering, heartache, and loss; God will redeem it all one day.  It seems fitting that we will celebrate Good Friday on the day after Ellie Mae is born and then the resurrection on Sunday.

I am also thankful for the joy that spring brings, when all creation declares new life and defeat over death.  These winter months and rainy days have made my hard days feel much heavier.  I think I would have had a much harder time if we had lost Ellie Mae in January or February.  It has been hard work trying to stay in a good place emotionally throughout winter.  I took comfort in the fact that the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit on hard days.  I tried to show myself plenty of grace on days when I wanted to just lay around and cry.  People have written after some of my blog posts about how strong I have been and that they admire my strong faith.  This has made me feel fearful that I have not communicated how hard and dark some of this journey has been.  I cannot say enough about the community God has placed around us and how loved we have felt.  Our church and community group have poured into us so much.  I would urge anyone to be involved in a community where you are known well.  Don’t wait until something hard comes along, it will be too late.  Get involved in a Christ-centered community now because when suffering and heart-ache come you will be overwhelmed by the way people support you and push you along in small and big ways.  Some of the ways I have worked hard to stay in a good place is to cling to promises found in scripture, listening to favorite worship songs, worshiping at church and finding a different service to go to if I’m scheduled to serve with children’s ministry on a Sunday, getting outside, planning fun days with our little family, and staying involved with our community.

Lamentations 3:22-24

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

 

 

Our cup is full

We have some good news to share.  We went to the doctor last week and I saw my favorite doctor at Piedmont OB.  She delivered Eliza Pearl and Lily Grace.  I am so thankful to her, because both Eliza and Lily were big babies and labor lasted forever.  She took such great care of me and made me feel like I could birth those ten pound babies with out batting an eye.  I had a scary hemorrhage after labor with Lily, who was 10.4lbs.  Dr. Dubose got everything under control quickly and made sure I was okay.  All that to say, she has been really sweet to us during this pregnancy and wants to see me for the next 2-3 weeks.  If everything goes to plan with being induced, we will have her deliver Eleanor Mae on March 29th.  Please pray that this would happen. It would mean the world to me if Dr. Dubose could deliver all three of my girls and I know we would be in such good hands on a super scary day. David’s parents will be in town that week and my family will also be here and ready to meet baby girl.   I meet with Dr. Dubose again this Wednesday to go over a few more things for our birth plan to have one last ultrasound growth check.

I am still feeling really good physically, with just the normal pregnancy annoyances like heartburn and a sore back by the end of the day.  Eleanor Mae “dances” all the day long and you can even see my belly jump around from time to time.

Last week people from our church planned a prayer and worship night in honor of Eleanor Mae’s life.  It was the most beautiful night and David and I were so blessed.  Here is what my sister wrote about the night:

“Last night a group of incredible people at our church planned a night of prayer for my sister, David, Eliza Pearl, Lily, and Eleanor Mae. It was one of the most beautiful and holy things I’ve ever witnessed or been a part of. To pray corporately for sweet Ellie Mae, to lift up Marianne and David and the girls, to worship together and praise God for this sweet unborn baby whose life has already brought Him such glory… it was too sweet and sacred to put into words. God orchestrated every detail and my heart was so full to see my sister’s family so loved and so well cared for. I will always remember God’s goodness and grace to our family through this season. When deep grief, hope, and gratitude can coexist so completely- that is Jesus.”

 

 

 

When we arrived we spent the first part of the night praying.  I had emailed certain prayer requests and different people prayed for each thing.  We even broke up in groups and prayed in small groups.  I loved hearing Eleanor Mae’s name over and over again throughout the room all at once.  I think that was the most special part of the night for David and I.  David spoke for a few moments and thanked everyone for being there.  Here is what he shared with the group:

“It is difficult to express the depths of our thankfulness and gratitude towards you all for being a part of this journey with us. We are so grateful that you all not only noticed us but moved towards our family to share in our grief during this season. Marianne and I have been receiving a constant stream of notes, letters, and encouraging words. These really have lifted our spirits. We know that our family has constantly been in your prayers and I want to let you know that we feel this.

Over the past 3 months we have also had a constant stream of “I don’t know,” “This is 1 and 6000,” “We have never seen this before,” and “There is no hope.” It seems that we have never had a doctor visit that we walked away from with any hope. We are learning that hope in doctors and medicine cannot compare to the hope we have in the power of God. This is the hope that says “be still and know that I am God.” We are trusting in his word that we are being equipped to endure. We are confident that God will be glorified through this. We take comfort to know that God will guide us through this and ultimately His Will will be done. And His Will is good. This is a very difficult season for us. We are very aware that our greatest grief is still to come. However, we are understanding that our inconsistent hold to God doesn’t even compare to his tight grip on us. We certainly are in good hands.

I also want to say that I thank God every day for bringing Marianne to me. Her strength is captivating. I have a front row seat to watch how she is processing this every day and I am humbled by this. I literally get to see the gospel being lived out through my wife and child. No matter how broken and hopeless Eleanor is the love from Marianne is undiminished. This is a perfect image of Christ’s love towards us.

I ask that you continue to pray for our family. Pray that not only will we endure, but that we will endure well.”

After praying we got to sing some of our favorite worship songs.  I was so thankful to the people who led music.  Chris McGowan played drums.  He is the pastor that performed David and I’s wedding ceremony.  Chris and his wife, Emily, also went through something very similar with their child, Cohen.  They had a worship night in honor of Cohen and I think that is why people wanted to do the same for us.  David and Charity are our small group leaders and are the very best type of people.  We love doing life with them.  Our new worship leader who I have never met led most of the songs, so very kind of him to be there. 

After we sang, our pastor closed the night by saying a few words.  People were asked to go sign books that had been given as a gift to Eliza Pearl and Lily.  They also wrote out prayers to put in a memory box for Eleanor Mae.  Lots of people had gotten together to bring desserts that were delicious.  Our hearts were so full.  I had not been emotionally well the days before this night.  I had been on the brink of tears constantly and it felt like the tears would never stop.  It felt good to know we were covered in prayer and to have our hearts reoriented back to who God is through worship.  We are only a couple of weeks out from meeting Eleanor Mae and I feel as rested and as at peace as I have the whole pregnancy.  To all the people who helped plan this night, who picked out the flowers, who made the desserts, who had the songs printed, who strung up lights, who set up everything – THANK YOU.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our Duke Visit

Our visit at Duke was great.  We had breakfast before arriving for our 10:30 appointment.  David could only stay for a portion of the ultrasound due to a work commitment in Raleigh that day. I had such a kind sonographer who put me at ease.  The ultrasound took a really long time, almost two hours. She looked over everything multiple times.  She would finish, but then come back to get another view of her kidneys or heart that the doctor requested.  Much of the ultrasound was done in 3d, so it was really neat to see Eleanor’s profile and sweet little body with such detail.  They were able to get really good images of her head and brain, which I think is the greatest area of concern.  Because they were able to get such good images we ended up canceling the MRI and the appointment on Monday, as we were able to discuss all the results from the ultrasound in the early afternoon on Friday.  The ultrasound showed that she has a severe case of microcephaly.  I can’t remember what gestational age her head was measuring, but it was many weeks behind.  The doctor thinks that this is caused from the bones in her skull being fused together and causing a growth restriction for her brain.  These bones are not supposed to fuse together until much later after birth so that they baby’s head can fit through the birth canal.  The brain and other tissue is allowed to expand throughout infancy and early childhood if they bones are not fused together.  Her brain stem is smaller than it should be.  Nerves that are supposed to be connected in opposite lobes are not connected.  She is missing her left kidney.  She has a heart condition that isn’t very serious if it was on it’s own, but I think with all the other anomalies, it adds to the severity of our situation.  I know the doctor said that her abdomen measured very small as well.  Those were the most major things that I can remember being mentioned.  One praise is that Eleanor is now head down instead of breech, please pray that she would stay this way.  The doctor that I spoke with at Duke also agreed that a c-section would not be necessary and to not do fetal monitoring during labor if she is alive when induced or when labor starts.  I forgot to ask her thoughts on being induced at 36 weeks.  I would love to know if she saw any benefit in that or not.  I will have my normal weekly appointment this week with my primary OB and I look forward to going over the birth plan again then.  I think we learned a lot more about Eleanor Mae’s development at Duke and received more confirmation on how to plan for her birth.  We are so thankful for that.

After our appointment at Duke we headed to Greenville, NC for the weekend to hang out with some of my best friends from college.  We had the best time and I loved that I got to make memories from where I grew up and attended college while Eleanor is with us.  Of course we ate at some of my favorite restaurants, we were able to spend a day at the beach, and got to walk around ECU.  It felt like late spring/early summer and we soaked up all the sun we could.

Our church has continued to rally around us and a couple of community groups in TR got together to plan a prayer and worship night in honor of our family this week.  I know it will be a special time and I can’t wait for Eleanor’s life and birth to be covered in prayer.  It is so comforting that people are praying for us continuously.  Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed or numb to everything that it is hard to remember how to pray over our situation. I really want to enjoy the last bit of our time with Ellie Mae and not be overcome with fear.  If I really am to be induced at 36 weeks, at best we have only three more weeks to carry her.  Sometimes I feel guilty for wishing the time away.  The uncertainty of everything makes me feel weary.  Heartburn and pregnancy aches are still annoying, even if I should be trying to enjoy every second of this pregnancy.  Please pray that David and I would continue to make the most of our time with Eleanor Mae, that we would lead Eliza and Lily well, and that we would seek God’s will in all things.  There doesn’t feel like there is anything else we can do for now.  We just have to wait and see how God will work out Eleanor’s story.  We know He loves her more than we do and He knows what is best.

 

 

Praises

Everything worked out with scheduling an ultrasound with Maternal Fetal Medicine at Duke.  We will also have an MRI done while we are there.  We leave tomorrow night and will have two appointments on Friday.  My ultrasound will be at 10:15 on Friday morning and my MRI will be at 4:30 in the afternoon.  I am looking forward to meeting the two doctors who will see me there and hearing their thoughts about Eleanor Mae’s development and anomolies.  I am even looking forward to the hours of waiting in between my appointments.  I feel like I have at least 100 thank you notes to write and I am working my way through about three different books right now.  We will get to spend a weekend in Greenville, NC with some dear friends and then head back to Duke on Monday morning to hear what the doctors learned from the ultrasound and MRI.  We are hoping to learn more about her brain development and what to expect if she is born alive.  I don’t expect to go and hear great news or anything super different about her prognosis.  We just hope to learn more information about our daughter.  It feels like we are getting to do something for her and I am thankful for the opportunity. I can’t believe that everything worked out with scheduling, childcare, and insurance.  Praise God for the kind people at Duke who made this all happen last minute. Thank you to those of you who prayed for these appointments to work out.

On Tuesday night, my community group ladies surprised me with a celebration shower for Ellie Mae.  It was so sweet and a very special night.  They had the most delicious foods (all of my favorites), punch, thoughtful gifts, a place to write notes of truth for me to read, and tons of stuff for the girls to do during the shower.  They wanted Eliza Pearl and Lily to be part of the night since they know I like to create fun memories while Ellie Mae is with us.  They were able to have their finger nails painted, play dress up, help open gifts, and eat cupcakes.

 

I had no idea that they were going to so much trouble.  They told me that they were just planning a girl’s night for the Geliske girls.  I am so glad they felt prompted to do this.  My sister asked me if she could plan a baby shower for Eleanor and I, and in my pridefulness I told her no.  I thought it would be too much work and trouble for her. This was so simple, sweet, and fun.  Thank you Charity, Alyssa, Heidi, Tina, Beth, Patty, and Leanne for planning such a special night in honor of Eleanor.  It was beautiful and I am so thankful for the time and energy you used to celebrate us.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Ellie Mae!

I love that baby girl is here today and will be here for her biggest sister’s birthday tomorrow.  It has been a hard past week, but today I am happy to celebrate her and thankful to have her with us for a big week in the Geliske family.

I skipped my doctor appointment today with my regular OB and rescheduled one for the 23rd.  Last week we had an appointment with the perinatal team on Tuesday afternoon and back to back appointments with maternal fetal medicine and my regular OB on Wednesday morning.  Three doctor appointments that all came with new information overwhelmed me to the point of just taking a break this week.  I still had a babysitter scheduled for today’s cancelled appointment and I didn’t cancel that.  I decided that Eleanor and I needed a little maple street biscuit company date again to celebrate Valentine’s day.

Perinatal Team- David and I met with four kind and wonderful people at the hospital where we will deliver.  A team coordinator, a nurse, a neonatologist, and a child life specialist.  We had connections with the child life specialist and coordinator through our church and that helped put me at ease.  They let the doctor speak first.  He went over my ultrasound in a way that was such a blessing to David and me.  Some of her medical conditions are still foreign to us and David and I just assumed that her conditions were what made her prognosis fatal.  However, they aren’t all that serious concerning her life span if they weren’t coupled with her being so behind in growth in the womb and the chromosomal disorder.  Those two things are what caused doctors to say that she would pass in the womb or shortly after birth.  The neonatologist said her heart and brain condition are not fatal on their own.  He referred to Eleanor as a small baby.  He explained that small babies do usually pass away in the womb and that even though I have made it to the third trimester, he still expects this to happen.  He even said that my body could recognize that the pregnancy is not going as expected and go into active labor any day now.  Enter fear and panic.  He also said that we need to make a solid birth plan since she has made it this far and we could very well deliver her while she is still alive.  All of those options overwhelmed me to the point where I just wanted to crawl in bed and stay for weeks.  He said that small babies and babies with chromosomal deletions usually have very weak muscle tone and that their natural reflexes for breathing independently or feeding are not always there.  If we wanted to keep her breathing and provide nourishment we could be looking at an immediate ventilator, trach, and feeding tube to keep her alive.  We discussed palliative care which would allow her to be put right on my chest and that they would provide pain medicine if she looked to be experiencing any discomfort at all.   We were able to tour the NICU and see what that is like if baby girl lived longer than expected and made it up there.  The doctor was so helpful and tried to paint a clear picture of how things would go for whatever choices we made.  The child life specialist gave us books for Eliza Pearl and Lily. She strongly encouraged us to bring the girls to the hospital for pictures whether she was born alive or not.  This was not something I was really considering, but her thoughts and expertise really swayed me to strongly consider this. They gave me their cell phone numbers in case I was induced or went into labor over the weekend when they are not scheduled to be at the hospital.  They told me all of the keepsakes they would make sure to give me and how they would make our time in the hospital special.

Maternal Fetal Medicine- I had another growth ultrasound and meeting with Dr. Grieg.  The ultrasound showed that she is still 4-5 weeks behind in growth. Her head is measuring very small, which reflects diminished brain development.  Dr. Grieg was surprised to see her doing so well.  He also agreed that we needed to make a solid birth plan as the chances of her being born alive have increased.  He said that he originally  thought it was an issue with the placenta that was causing her to lag in growth, but that because my fluid levels are now in the normal range and the umbilical cord shows strong blood flow, that it must stem from the chromosomal deletion alone.  While he still said she could pass away in the womb any day, the fact that the placenta and umbilical cord are providing her with oxygen and nutrition well could help us reach full-term and have her alive at birth. I know I should be full of joy and thankfulness that this is all a possibility now, but again all those birth plan choices are scary to me.  I have thought every thought possible.  He said that she could live for minutes, hours, days, or even months if born alive.  His overall thoughts are that she still will not have a long life.  He suggested that I should be induced at 36 weeks if everything is still going well (only 5 weeks away).  He did not think I should consider a c-section since she more than likely will not live very long if born alive.  He did not want me to be in physical pain on top of the emotional pain while going to her funeral and having to make decisions.  He said that he didn’t want my time with her to be clouded by pain medicine after a c-section.  She is currently breech and he suggested a vaginal delivery even if she hasn’t turned yet.  That scared me a lot.  He does not think I should have her monitored during labor as small babies do not usually do well under the stress of labor.  He said it would be too emotionally straining for me to hear her heart rate go up and down and machines beeping when she was in distress.  Please pray for wisdom for making all of these big decisions as we move forward.  I want to still enjoy the rest of my pregnancy with Eleanor Mae and not be consumed with hard decisions.

Regular OB appointment- I waited over an hour for the doctor to listen to her heart beat, give me a quick hug, and check out.  The week before I know I said I loved our Wednesday appointments, but last Wednesday I was OVER all the doctor appointments.  I was wishing I was at chic-fil-a toddler time or the library with my girls instead.  I made the decision then to skip this week’s if I felt baby girl dancing around as usual.  I let myself have a few days where I thought of nothing but birth plan decisions and then decided to focus on making sure everything was ready for Eliza Pearl’s birthday celebrations, a big week at school, and a happy Valentine’s Day at home for the whole family.  It was hard not to be consumed with all the new information and decisions to make.  It was hard to remember truth and that God is right here beside me through it all.  So thankful for people praying that truth would be constantly before me.

We are still considering going to Duke for a fetal MRI.  It would all have to work out with timing, insurance, and our Ellie Mae continuing to do well.  Please pray for that to be a clear yes or no.

We have been given a few more sweet gifts for Ellie Mae and sweet things for our whole family.  My dear forever friend, Sara, came and took maternity pictures of us and I will treasure them always.  Here are a few of my favorites:

 

 

 

Sara, you will never know what a blessing these are and what a blessing you are to me. Thank you for loving me so well!

My sister, Amy, and best friend, Jamie, sent some dear gifts for Ellie Mae.  Jamie had a blanket embroidered with her name and my sister did the same for a cute stuffed bunny. I have them placed in a rock-n-play in the guest room for makeshift nursery if she comes home.

 

My friend, Maggie, sent me some lovely spa items that I have been using for bubble baths.  My friend, Heidi, sent us a gorgeous magnolia tree that we have planted.  One of my mom’s co-workers made me a beautiful necklace with Eleanor’s name on it.

I am so thankful my friend, Rebecca, told me about an organization called “String of Pearls.” Their purpose is to add hope for the journey.  I got a package filled with gifts to have keepsakes from Eleanor Mae’s birthday.  The founder says she sends packages like these to families who received news like ours, so that we know we are not alone as we say hello and goodbye all in one breath.  Our package included a 3d mold kit for her hands and feet, a pretty bag that is perfect for a locket of hair, a voice recorder and stuffed animal to record her heart beat at an ultrasound, comfort tea, a book for David, a book for me, a special book to read to Eleanor in the hospital, a candle, and even cabo cream to decrease my milk supply after birth.  They thought of everything.  The book they sent for me to read is called The Gift of Time. It has really helped me understand that the grieving period, called anticipatory grief, before her birth is very important and that it is okay to feel up and down all the time.

 

Here is my favorite song we have been singing at church lately! Finally figured out how to upload a video!

 

 

 

 

 

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3rd trimester, hallelujah!

Today I am officially 29 weeks.  Thank you for all of those who prayed I would make it to the third trimester.  We have been so thankful for the gift of time.  It has allowed us to process and just enjoy time with our little Ellie Mae while we have her here with us.  I had a quick appointment to check on baby girl this morning and her heart rate is still strong.  This morning they just used the handheld ultrasound machine.  Last week however, my fluid levels were high enough for a 3d ultrasound.  Every other time we have tried to have one, my fluid levels were too low.  Look how cute Eleanor Mae is!

I just wanted to take the time to journal through some of the great memories we have made with Eleanor Mae.

Before I knew anything was abnormal about this pregnancy or her development:

-I found out we were expecting right before our annual summer vacation to Hilton Head.  We had a great week at the beach with the girls and my mom.

-A trip to Charleston pretty early on with my sister, Eliza, and Lily.  We had a blast and enjoyed a fun day on the beach.

-We had a few lake days at lake hartwell and lake norman with family.

-Celebrating her gender reveal on my 34th birthday.  Our family motto is “go big or go home” so we had fireworks, cake, and an awesome dinner with family and a few of my best friends.  We are passionate about celebrating our children and acknowledging what a gift they are.  I wanted to speak up that night before David asked the blessing and kind of tell the reason why we do gender reveals.  We really don’t care about gender, but are always ready to throw a party for our babies.  This life is too short and too fragile. There were a few things that made me worry about Eleanor from my first ob appointment with her. She measured small from the very beginning and I had something called a sub chronic hemorrhage during the first trimester.   I wanted to say that night that if something ever happened to me or to our baby, that I would want them to know that they were loved and cherished from the minute we knew of their existence.  I wanted to thank all my family and friends for being there to celebrate her. I felt too emotional though, so I didn’t say anything.  The fireworks were so fun and we had the best night celebrating our daughter.

-We went to San Antonio the morning after the reveal party for my birthday weekend.  The trip was doomed because poor David had a severe case of food poisoning from a work lunch the day before, but we didn’t realize he was sick until we landed in Texas.  My best friend Sharon and her husband met us out there. So thankful I had them to spend time with and still see a bit of the city when David just needed to lay in a bed and rest.

-During the fall we celebrated the beginning of our new church campus in TR, only one minute from our home.  I have loved every chance I have gotten to worship while carrying Eleanor.

-We enjoyed walks at Furman around the lake and went up to the Carl Sandburg home a few times.  We would ride up to the mountains just to see the leaves or to pick apples at skytop.

After our 20 week anatomy scan when we were told to celebrate our time with her while I carried her:

-We found out right at the beginning of December.  We saw some beautiful snow and prepared for the Christmas season.  We spent the month of December decorating, baking, seeing Christmas lights, and celebrating with family.  Our candlelight service at church was a very memorable moment, as the good news about Jesus’ arrival has never meant more.  The hope he offers us gave us so much peace during the first few weeks of processing the hard news.  David and I hosted a Christmas eve dinner and Christmas day breakfast.  If I have done one thing right during this pregnancy, I have fed Eleanor Mae well.  We loved all the Christmas treats.

 

-The girl’s Christmas present from us was a trip to Disney.  We were actually just tagging along on a work trip of David’s.  This meant that one day while he was visiting customers, I took the girls into magic kingdom by myself.  That was really naive and dumb of me, kind of forgot how crazy Disney was since I hadn’t been in about 15 years.  That day was also super special because once we made it into the park with both girls still by my side (whew), we went on every ride I had hoped for with almost no wait.  Just walked right on Dumbo, Winnie the Pooh, the teacups, the carousel, and its a small world.  It felt like such a gift.  On Saturday, once David was with us we saw Magic Kingdom’s true colors with millions of people there and super long lines.  We had a blast though and I loved doing a big trip while Eleanor was with us.  Did she realize at 22 weeks gestation that we were at a magical place? Probably not, but she had to know we were having some sort of crazy fun while we were riding on the tea cups.  I bet she enjoyed hearing her sisters squeal and giggle.

-I loved the warm sunshine and 80 degree weather that Florida offered us in December.  On our ride home I convinced David we needed to stop at St. Augustine beach and play for a couple of hours. This was a real dream and I almost wished we had just done a beach weekend instead of Disney.

-We have been to some fun concerts including one of our favorites, The Steel Wheels.  Tonight David and I are going to see Phantom of the Opera.  This will be Eleanor Mae’s second time to  the peace center, but her first broadway show.

-There have been so many quiet nights at home just reading books or dancing to the Annie soundtrack with the girls.  These are my favorite memories.  I love reading to her or playing music for her.  I love rocking Lily at night time, I can feel Eleanor Mae kicking the most when Lily is sitting on my lap or laying on me.

-I love going to my Wednesday appointments because I almost always get to see her on the ultrasound.  Since I have a babysiter for the appointment, I always plan on doing something fun after and it feels like time with just Eleanor and I.  Last week, I got coffee and a pedicure with a friend.  This week I went to maple street biscuit company and stuffed my face while I worked on this blog post. It was divine.

-This uncertainty that we have been facing has caused us to spend more time in scripture and prayer.  It has been a holy experience as we have often cried out to God to please change this situation.  It has caused us to cling to the gospel and give God praise for our salvation. I have been studying about heaven like crazy and learning so much.  So many things that people say when someone passes away concerning heaven have always seemed trite to me or just something you say during a hard time.  I have been blown away about what I have learned about heaven and reuniting with family once we are there. My grandmothers are going to enjoy my baby girl so much. I love reading about knowing God’s presence fully, being without sin, having physical bodies, still enjoying food, still enjoying God’s amazing creation, still seeking adventure, and enjoying work.  I used to think heaven would be so different from the life we know now, that I was almost scared of it. Not anymore.  If God calls Eleanor Mae to heaven, I will miss her for all my days on this side of heaven, but will be so happy and grateful for all that she is experiencing.

I really am so thankful that we have carried her this long.  The way doctors have talked to us over the past two months, 29 weeks seems too good to be true.  I feel like God has already answered more prayers than I could have imagined.  Just time to think through the hard things and to do difficult tasks like pack up baby stuff and move it to the garage has been so good.  Would I love to see God do more? Of course.  Would I love to get to spend time with her with her heart beating outside of the womb? Of course.  Whatever God decides to give us concerning Eleanor Mae’s life is good enough for me.  I am going to get to hold her no matter what and see what her precious face looks like.  I will get to have pictures of her dressed in a sweet little gown. This is way more than a lot of women get when experiencing pregnancy or infant loss.  Eleanor Mae’s life has already impacted David and I so much and I know we will be forever changed because of our sweet girl.

Finally

We finally had our talk with Eliza Pearl and Lily about their baby sister.  It wasn’t as hard as I expected and I actually made it through without crying.  My sweet sister gave me a great book about pregnancy loss called I Will Carry You by Angie Smith.  Some of the book was hard to read but it also helped to prepare me for everything to come.  When the author experienced her pregnancy loss she had children the exact same age as we do.  She and her husband bought a doll to explain all of their baby’s medical conditions and we decided to do the same.  Here is a picture of our “Eleanor doll”-

Our little talk went something like this, “Mommy and daddy found out sad news at the doctor about Eleanor Mae.  Just like this doll, Eleanor has a boo-boo on her heart and on the back of her neck that affects her brain.  Most of the time when we are sick or have a boo-boo we can go to the doctor and get medicine.  Sometimes, boo-boos are so bad that only Jesus can heal them.  When you were born in the hospital the doctors saw that your heart looked healthy and that you were growing strong just as you should.  When Eleanor Mae is born the doctors may be able to help her heart get strong and healthy or they may see that they cannot make her better.  We want her to get better so bad.  We want to bring your sister home to you after she is born so you can know her, take care of her, and love her.  We are having to trust God in big ways right now.  We know that He knows what is best for Eleanor Mae and that what’s best for her might mean that she would go to heaven instead of coming home.  We will be sad if she doesn’t come home to us.  You would probably see mommy and daddy cry a lot.  We have already cried a lot just knowing that Eleanor is sick.  While we will be very sad if she goes to heaven, we will also be thankful that we have a God who is powerful enough to rescue us and heal us.”

We have since then talked about how David and I’s grandmothers would be in heaven and that they would be so happy to meet her.  We talked about how heaven is a place with no sickness, tears, or sin.  We have Band-aids on the doll to remind us to pray for Eleanor and so that we can have conversations about her often.  Before our 20 week appointment we talked about their baby sister all the time and then we just stopped.  Eliza would still talk about her from time to time.  “We need to get a swing set with 3 swings. I want dada to build a third bunk on my bed for Eleanor.  We need to get clothes for our new baby.  I want Eleanor to be born on my birthday.”  Sweet Lily always asks about the baby when she is sitting on my lap and says, “I tickle baby, I hold baby’s hand, I sit on baby.”  It feels good to have conversations with the girls that prepare them for not having Eleanor Mae come home to us and to also pray for Eleanor with them.

I did have a rescheduled appointment last week at the doctor.  Our baby girl has continued to lag in growth just like the doctors said she would.  When they first measured her at the 20 week appointment she was two weeks behind and now she is close to four weeks behind.  We were so disappointed.  We are still waiting for our rescheduled appointment with the perinatal team at the hospital to make a birth plan.  I have one preemie gown that my friends ordered for her and one micro preemie gown that I found online in case she is only 1-2 pounds when she is born.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

We have continued to try to do special things while I am carrying her.  I will post soon about some of our favorite memories we have made over the past couple of months.

Some of my favorite resources I have been reading or using are:

I Will Carry You by Angie Smith for learning about how to walk through pregnancy/infant loss well and deal with grief.

Heaven by Randy Alcorn to learn more about what heaven will be like and what your child will experience before you.

Forever Sermon Series by Grace Church https://subsplash.com/gracechurchsc/media/ms/+21b2320 to learn more about heaven.

carryingtoterm.org for making birth plans for babies born with low expectations for life outside of the womb.

Scripture Lullabies CD to play for Eleanor Mae at night.

 

 

The Body of Christ

I have had a hard week.  Reality has really started to sink in and I have not felt full of hope like in the first few weeks.  However, the dear people that God has placed in our life have continued to cheer us on and pray for us.  A friend of mine, Ginger Friesen, talks about reaching out to people that the Lord puts on her heart so that they “don’t fall of the edge.” I have felt that the past week- that each text, email, or prayer has truly kept me going.  Through conversations with different people about how to walk this road well, I have realized that I need to do more to be really prepared for Eleanor’s birth.  Some of that looks like knowing where our burial spot will be, having a gown for her to wear, and thinking through the memorial service.  I am glad people have told us that it is okay to do all of those things while still holding out hope.  It doesn’t mean we have given up, it just means that it will make the time after she is born much easier if she doesn’t make it.

Here are some of the ways that our friends and family have really blown us away during the past month.  David and I have learned so much about how we want to love and serve people going through hard things in the future.  What an example our family and friends have been to us about how to be the hands and feet of Christ.

-My friend Sara Davis sends me scripture ALL the time. She lets me know she is praying for me ALL the time.  I have friends who text me constantly to check in and keep on texting even if I don’t text back.

-I have been sent the sweetest letters and gifts in the mail.  My college besties sent me a beautiful ornament at Christmas with Ellie Mae’s name on it.  I have been given a book from a friend of a friend by Sally Lloyd Jones called Thoughts to Make Your Heart Sing. I have been reading this to Ellie Mae every day.

-So many people have offered practical help such as bringing meals or offering to babysit our children while we go to doctors appointments or to have rest.  Moms from my school have sent meals home and offered to clean my house.

-One of David’s college roommates invited him to coffee.  He cried while David told his story and prayed with him. As a wife, I appreciate this so much because I know David doesn’t have as many people to talk through everything with.

-Our new pastor at our Grace TR campus has called David multiple times and prayed with him, offered direction, and talked through a memorial service.  His family is also going through a similar situation and they may be losing their first and only grandchild soon.  He has not mentioned his burden, only reached out to David with reassurances of the Lord’s kindness and sovereignty.

-My partner teacher at school did my lesson plans for me for two weeks after that first ultrasound and while we were waiting to learn more.  She has done SO much for me at school and gave a beautiful worship cd to my girls.

-Another group of my college besties has offered to do the really hard stuff like find out about a burial spot and order a premie gown for pictures in the hospital and for burial. They have told me repeatedly to send them the hardest jobs, the things I cannot do.  (two of them are pregnant, who are they?)

-The photographer who did our wedding offered to come to the hospital and take pictures for us.

-Many of our ultrasounds have been done at no charge.

-I have a friend named Rebecca who grew up in the same town that I did.  We were never close, just have many mutual friends.  I have admired her life and her testimony over the past few years.  She lost her first daughter named Cora Kimberly who was stillborn due to a medical condition called limb-body wall syndrome.  She has since had another daughter and adopted a son from Ethiopia, such gorgeous children.  It has been neat to see how God has allowed her family to grow.  She is now going through her second pregnancy loss as her daughter she is carrying now, named Layla, has anencephaly.  We are only one gestational week apart this time in our pregnancies.  She has reached out to me and given me medical advice and spiritual advice even though she is carrying crazy amounts of grief herself.  Because of her story with Cora I started following an organization on Instagram called #Standforlife a few years ago.  Watching her walk through her pregnancy with Cora and hearing so many stories like hers through the Stand for Life organization has prepared me for my pregnancy with Eleanor Mae.  It taught me that a mother’s job is to love her child fiercely and give their life value no matter what.  She is a high-risk sonographer at Duke and has looked at all my ultrasound photos and reports with me because I have no idea what a lot of the things mean.  She is brilliant and one of the strongest people I know.  She has faced way too much hardship in her life and her faith is incredibly strong.  One of the best gifts she has given me is a worship cd that has not been taken out of the cd player in my car since it arrived in the mail.  It just so happens that the friend who made that cd for her during her pregnancy with Cora is the friend that helped lead me to Christ in college.  Isn’t God always at work in the tiniest of details?  There is one song I love particularly called “Your Hands” by JJ Heller.  I wish I was tech-savvy and could upload a video of it.

Here are a few of the lyrics:

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

Here is a link to Rebecca’s blog: https://joshandrebeccashrader.wordpress.com/2017/11/16/meet-layla-kate/  This is her last blog post, but you should go back and read some of her earliest ones about Cora as well.

-I have had a sweet neighbor leave flowers, hot chocolate, cute gifts, and delicious meals for us.  She is an answered prayer in itself because when we moved in to this neighborhood I prayed for a friend to do life with.  We have play dates all the time with our kids and love each other’s families.  She has been so kind to me during this time and has been a reminder of God’s faithfulness.

-One of my oldest friends send us a gift card to a super fancy restaurant to go on a date and make a fun memory.  She checks on me all the time as well.

-My old community group leaders went through something very similar.  They were told that there would be no way for their son to make it through birth due to a rare form of dwarfism.  His lungs should have never developed because of how extremely small his rib cage was.  He is one of the unusual cases I have heard about of how the doctors were wrong concerning Cohen’s life span.  Cohen celebrated his tenth birthday this year!  Chris and Emily had us over for coffee last weekend and talked to us about all the ways they prepared for Cohen’s birth and death.  They pulled out their old prayer list and prayed the same prayers over Eleanor that they had prayed for Cohen.  They told us it was okay to still have days full of joy and laughter or let several hours pass by without even thinking about Eleanor’s diagnosis.  They said it is okay to be scared of the special needs Eleanor will have if she lives.  All those things that are hard to talk about were able to be processed out loud with them and it was lovely.

-So many women have bravely shared their similar stories with me and what the grieving process looked like for them.  It has allowed me to take a deep breath and realize that while it is scary now, everything will be okay, even if I lose my child.

-People that I have just met in recent weeks send me prayers like this:

Heavenly Father, please gently lead Marianne as she caries Eleanor Mae close to her heart. If it would please You, please heal Eleanor completely. We know You love Eleanor. We know You will walk with her in the valley of the shadow if You take her there. Help her know how much she is loved by her family as she hears the steady, secure beat of Marianne’s heart. May the peace You have promised hold each member of this family in a way that is beyond what we could ask or imagine. In the name of Jesus who weeps along with us, Amen

-My mom and sister have been the best and have done too many kind things to try and list.  Most of all, they just make life feel normal.

Isn’t it all amazing?  People are too kind and God has used their gifts to bless us in so many ways.  Our appointments with the perinatal team at the hospital and at the OB office for growth measurements were cancelled today due to tons of snow.  We are enjoying our snow day with the girls and having David home.  I will update more on Eleanor Mae after our appointments have been rescheduled.

If you don’t already follow #standforlife on Instagram, would you consider doing so?  I am thinking that this would be the organization we might choose to let people give to in honor of Eleanor Mae’s life if she does pass away in lieu of flowers.  I need to talk to David more about that.  I never want anyone who reads this blog to feel like I am trying to discuss abortion at all.  This would never be the place; this blog is only meant to update my family and friends about Eleanor.  I have people I love with all my heart who feel differently about abortion than I do and who are post-abortive.  My church has hundreds of women who are post-abortive.  I have no judgement for women who have found themselves in a place where they are considering abortion and have only compassion and empathy.  I realize that people who have chosen abortion in the past did not make that decision lightly and that it a scary place to be.  The #standforlife organization never discusses abortion in a way that is judgemental.  It does tell stories of women who were in an abortion clinic and ended up choosing life instead from time to time.  Most of the stories are stories like Eleanor’s.

Thank you for your prayers, encouragement, and love!